We all know pain. This life is not without its fair share of heartbreak, loss, and strife. When we experience something painful, it is natural to react emotionally. We know this. There are times though that the pain that we experience is so disruptive to us that we are unable to or unwilling to feel it and process it fully. We don’t give it the space or proper attention to heal and instead of a fluid healing experience it becomes stagnant and the healing comes to a halt. It is from this place that we begin to create suffering for ourselves, and possibly others. The original painful experience is left behind and the suffering that we create continues in its place. We begin to act, react, avoid and create a story for ourselves from this new perspective of suffering. It becomes who we are and we identify with it. It has the potential to seep into our personal and professional lives, and affect areas of our lives that we wouldn’t even think would be affected. It is not until we are willing to address the original painful emotion, underneath the suffering that we created to avoid it, that we can find freedom and release.
For many years, I created this type of suffering for myself and identified with it. I was far removed from a love of self and a true love and connection with others. In time, I learned about emotion regulation, mindfulness and observing emotions, and through practice have learned ways to release the emotions that do not serve me. I believe each individual has the capacity to let go of their suffering, and experience freedom.
This process isn’t always easy, and for some, it may take many years, or in my case decades, to cultivate the practice of eventually releasing emotions. It is possible though and continued practice will move you in that direction. The key is to resist the urge to want to move immediately to release and skip the work of facing the emotion, mindful awareness, cultivating stillness and love for self. We short-change ourselves when we do this because the release will not resonate with a deep love of self but ultimately be replaced with avoidance, escapism, and an unwillingness to feel. Give yourself the time you need to heal. You do not rush the body’s healing process for a scrape or broken bone, so here too do not rush the process for healing and releasing emotions.
Just remember, the entire range of emotions are normal, even emotions that seem not to serve us, and have a variety of purpose. One of the purposes is to let us know something needs to be addressed. For this reason, it is important to experience our emotions, know what we are feeling, acknowledge, observe, learn what we can, and then ultimately release.
Feeling Your Feelings
Some of us have difficulty experiencing emotions, we may feel cut off from recognizing what the emotion is and where it resonates in our bodies. The work, then, is to go deep and allow yourself to become aware of your emotions. To give your emotions the space they need to breathe, rather than suppressing them. To give your emotions a name. To realize you can face your emotions and they will not consume you if you remain grounded in the present. When you experience guilt, anger, fear, shame, sadness, know when they arise and know where you experience them in your body. We don’t always realize this, but we experience emotion in the body not just in our minds. Emotions are our bodies way of letting us know something’s up. When we are fearful, notice where that emotion resonates in your body. If the experience of connecting with your emotions seems overwhelming, ask someone to sit with you during this process, a counselor or a trusted friend. The process of going in, after being detached for so long, may trigger a lot of emotions so it is important to seek the support you need during this process especially if you are not experienced with staying grounded in the present. Do not judge yourself for needing and wanting support.
Mindful Awareness and Non-reaction
Some of us are able to sit with our emotions but often get dragged in and are unaware of how to distance ourselves and stay grounded in the present. The work, then, is to observe your emotions as they arise and to practice non-reaction. Realize that you are the observer of your own emotional state and that the emotions and bodily sensations you experience are not representative of “you” but creations of the body and mind. Here you can ask your body and emotional mind, what it needs. Practice listening, but not judging. Remember you are not your mind, and you are not your emotions. There is space, there is distance from this emotional experience and the deep stillness within. You are that stillness. At times your emotional mind and body need rest, need comforting, need to feel loved and appreciated, need movement. Listen closely and instead of resisting or trying to eliminate the uncomfortable emotional and bodily experience, just observe and notice if there is something it needs or some truth that it is pointing to. At this stage, it is not necessary to react or do, just notice. Develop your ability to be aware and notice without doing. Connect with the stillness within.
Cultivating Stillness, Love and Compassion
When you spend time in this stillness, you begin to become acquainted with your peace and bliss. You begin to know truth underneath the pain, and you begin to know yourself. Living meditation, taking time each day to ground, center, and engage in activities that connect you with yourself, your body, your spirit, your community, and nature, gives you the practice needed to tap into that stillness and know your natural state of being…peaceful, loving, compassionate. You begin to cultivate a deep love and compassion for yourself.
Releasing
As you practice, observing your emotions objectively and spending time in stillness, the emotional pull has less of an impact on you. You do not stay in rumination or reactivity long, and you move through the emotion with grace and ease. However, the emotional roller coaster may still take hold and from time to time, you may go on the ride. You are present and observing but you are also caught for a time. The work, then, is to recognize the state as soon as possible and practice letting go, remembering the impermanence of all emotional states and knowing truly your state of peace and joy. Letting go is action-oriented and involves specific steps that resonate with you individually. As you begin to realize the moment you have entered an emotional state that does not serve you (you know this because you have experienced a peaceful blissful state of being and you can compare, and you have taken the time to sit with the emotion), you name it, face it, observe it without reaction, return to stillness, and then move onto the step of releasing. Releasing can come in many forms and learning to tune in to what you need at a mind/body/spirit level will be important. Some ways to release may include verbalizing, visualizing, or activity. For example, you may pray or chant, you may imagine something or someone helping you release this state, you may read something that reminds you of reality and truth or inspires you to release, you may meditate or take a walk, you may practice deep breathing, you may exercise or dance, you may connect with good friends, you may write in your journal, you may sit by the fire, you may engage in a ritual that resonates with your spirit, you may consider all that you are grateful for, you may create art. Any way you choose to release your emotions, will be a personal choice that resonates with what you need at your core and it may change from day to day. Being flexible and open-minded will assist your process of developing methods that work for you. It is an ultimate form of loving yourself because you are offering yourself the kindness to let go of the pain.
When we stop identifying with the guilt, anger, hatred, fear, intolerance, judgement, shame or sadness, we come into our true nature, that of peace and bliss. We realize we are beings of love and light and our purpose is to spread that love first to ourselves and then to others.
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Rebecca Cooley is a Certified Master Coach, Mindfulness Instructor, and Communication Coach with Catalyst Action Coaching. To learn more about her private coaching and classes visit www.catalystactioncoaching.com
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